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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| http://skyeung.blogspot.com/
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| Hm, it seems like I'll be using this shindig more than I planned to. I guess it's mainly to keep you Malaysians updated on what's going on in my life cause I know you all care! Haha.
Well anyways, today I found out that there has been shooting threats at my school. Written on restroom walls in a doorm, there were racist comments and even comments such as "What time? The VA tech shooters messed up w/ having only one shooter ? Oh, for you Malaysians out there incase you didn't know, Virgina Tech is a college where a Korean kid went on a shooting rampage killing about twenty people then shooting himself. The first thing that runs through your (or my) mind is what on earth is going on through that person(s) head? The only logical reason I can think of is maybe they believe in 'ethnic cleansing' or they'd have so much hatred in life that shooting rampages would cure their hate. But the main thing that got me thinking was, if this were to happen, you'd always assume that it would happen to someone else, that someone else would get shot if it were to happen. But the scary thing is that, you are actually 'someone else' to another person. Meaning, that you could be shot, and to a stranger, it would be "oh yeah someone else got shot at NIU". I mean, it's such a silly thought to dwell on thinking it's simply ridiculous thinking you could be a victim. But in reality, anything could happen. I'm not telling everyone to hypothesize what would happen if you get shot. But it makes me wonder, if I were to get shot, what kind of impression would I leave the world? What would people see me as and remember me for?
I just had another random thought today. Well actually, I've been thinking about this for a while. I know she's definitely not going to read this so it's okay for me to speak my mind. It's actually kind of off topic but, it's been bothering me. Anyways, I dated this one girl for almost three years. She broke up with me last year and we didn't start talking until a few weeks ago, right before Thanksgiving break, which has been approximately a year since we last talked. The first time we talked, which was on aim, went really really well. It felt like we never stopped talking and we both felt so comfortable talking to each other again, well at least on my part. Somehow we ended up straying to the topic of the past. The conversation even had a few "you can still make my heart skip a beat" and "you're saying simple things that melt my heart". So to chop off all that lovey dovey garbage, we decided to meet up for dinner on Friday during break. Then after, I would take her to Mercer Stadium. Yes, that means jumping the fence and sneaking in. Don't ask, I just love going there at night when I need to get my thinking done and I've always wanted to take a girl I liked there so we can lay down in the middle of the football field and watch the stars. So anyways, Friday rolls around and I call her three times and text her a few times. No reply. So it ended up she didn't contact me back or anything. She still hasn't contacted me yet.
So... that really really confuses me. We had a really really good conversation the first night, talked more after that, even talked on the phone once or twice. And.. all of a sudden she disappears? It really sucks cause I really liked talking to her. She still made me smile and can make me laugh by just reading her conversations with me. I think I'd actually be willing to transfer to UTaustin to be with her. What a silly thought, huh? But to end my rambling, girls are confusing.
And I just remembered I have a final at 10AM tomorrow. And I spent all day recording 'I'm Alright' by Bebo Norman on guitar which I just finished uploading to myspace.com/shermanyeung so check it out and leave me feedback. Thank you anyone who read, you're the best.
one love.
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| I haven't really written in this in a while and I'm kinda glad xanga is dead so I can write what I need to write and express what I want to express without too many people reading.
So anyways, I'm facing a bit of a problem here. To cut things in half, transferring back to Texas for college has been on my mind for a while. I made an immature decision lately which caused a huge problem which in a bit acted as a catalyst to my thought process about this whole moving situation. There's many reasons why I want to move back. The biggest reason to me is I miss my old life. When I was in high school, I loved who I was. I was happy with myself, had a good job earning enough money, had a solid group of friends who were there for you no matter what, but most importantly, God played a huge part in my life. When I moved up here to Illinois it felt like I really changed. I found myself trying too hard to fit in, always down with myself and not satisfied, questioned whether I belonged here or not, trying to find real friends that always had your back, and most of all, felt like I completely kicked God out of my life. I even picked up smoking in times of stress. Sometimes I would be so stressed, I would smoke four squares in a row and still not be relieved.
With that out of the way, I wish the dilemma of whether to move back or not was as simple as it seemed. The biggest question I'm trying to answer is whether or not that moving back would be running away from my problems, or is it really God telling me to come back home and pursue Him there. I'm afraid if I go with the decision of God telling me to come home, that it would just be my conscience telling me that's the right decision instead of God. I talked to my sister and John Lin on the phone for a while and my sister gave me a really good analogy. She said that the university I wanted to transfer to, preferably UTAustin or maybe even A&M, was on the other side of the door and in order to open the door, I would have to obtain the grades good enough for the universities to accept me. So If I wanted to get to the other side of the door, I couldn't make any decisions yet unless I opened that door for myself. I wanted to spend all Christmas break and next semester thinking about whether this is the right decision for me. But it seems I need to narrow down my decision to be made before December 18th. I'm currently residing in a townhouse and I need to renew my lease for 08'-09' by the 18th or I wouldn't be guaranteed a spot. If I weren't to sign up for the following year's lease, to me it would seem like a big leap of faith because I.. wouldn't have anywhere else to live except the dorms. Yes, it doesn't seem to be a big deal to be living in dorms but I really really do not want to go back to dorms. Sounds ridiculous to you, makes perfect sense to me.
So talking to John really helped. He got me with the question, am I making a serious effort to get back that Christian life here? I er.. honestly told him no. He said that would be the first thing I needed to do. I'm going to attend a Christian fellowship next semester but then again.. I need to make a decision whether I'm going to stay or not by the 18th. I guess a huge problem I'm trying to avoid thinking about is that maybe I am trying to run away from my problems. The weirdest thing here, and the thing I hate the most is, a lot of people think I'm weird and no one quites appreciates me for who I truly am. It makes absolutely NO sense to me because I hardly go out to parties and drink and I'm actually a really quiet boy here. I've always wanted to become the president of Asian American Association, a huge Asian-interested organization here on campus. So maybe I'm subconsciously giving up my dream and running away to home? I'm thinking, so realistically, if no one appreciates me here and just thinks I'm some random weird kid from Texas, how are people going to support me and bring me up when I'm down when I want to achieve my dreams? It's really hard trying to grow up by yourself. It feels like that's what I have been doing all my life.
Growing up, I've always felt under appreciated for my skills and such. When I was home in Houston for Thanksgiving, I randomly picked up my violin and started playing when my mom was washing dishes. I played a solo I played back in freshman year for a contest. I didn't have any music and I kind of just played it by memory and/or by ear. After I finished, my mom was like, you would have been really really good if you only practiced and put your heart into it. Also, I've always wanted to be a waiter for a while. Back at my first restaurant I worked at, I memorized the menu and everything but yet the managers were like no Sherman, you're too shy or whatever. So I quit and kept on looking around for opportunities. It was hard because I had no experience and people didn't believe in me. Even my parents at one time were like, you know Sherman, maybe this isn't thing for you. But yet I persisted because I believed I could do it. And.. I did. I started off really well at Red Lobster and by three months, people would ask to be served by me again. I remember I served this one couple, and I liked talking to them a lot. My last day there, they wrote me a $100 check for my graduation present. So I think I did pretty decent to earn that and other big tips. Now I work at Texas Land & Cattle back at home and still do really well and I really enjoy what I do.
I think I accidentally strayed off from my point of this entry... But to end things off, I just wanted to get this off my chest so it didn't seem like I had to make this transferring decision by myself. Whoever read this whole entry, let me know and I'll pick you up when I'm home in Houston and we can grab dragon rolls at Hokkaido because that's what I'm really craving right now.
onelove.
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| why must it take a death to realize how much we love him or her
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| mister tommy choi and miss cindy kim...
march 14, 2007 12:50 AM
rest in peace @;',~',---
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